At one point, he showed up at her soccer banquet, and when she saw him already sitting in there, she refused to go in. at first i tried to make it seem like a good thing , I would give my son pep talks about how great and fun it was going to be, and every Friday night , I would have a hysterical 5 1/2 year old plopped on my doorstep , not being able to do one night , and my ex would be furious , angry and thinking its my fault …. I keep suggesting they talk to their father, but they tell me that I don’t understand. It's also upsetting for the child and their other parent (though their upsets may be for different reasons from your own). There may be lots of reasons why you don’t want your children to stay with their other parent. A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. I don’t blame them! If your child’s resistance to going to their other parent's home is a one-off, it probably isn’t that important. If mom is encouraging the visits, why would the children try and please mom? I think this negative rejection is usually at its worst at the age of 13 or 14 (coinciding with the extra pressures of starting secondary). I have a 3 bedroom home with everything they need (and most everything they want). 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. No court is going to try to force a 14yo to see her dad unless she wants to or there's a very good reason why that 14yo can't be trusted to make her own decisions. And maybe ask them directly if something is happening or being done to them when their with their father. This means that responses such as "you must go", or "mummy/daddy will be upset if you don’t go", or "your mum/dad will have a go at me", as well as the use of bribery or threats, can be unhelpful. I am not going to force something that just isnt there , for either one of them apparently …. It is very unfortunate, my children are also dealing with a behaviorally toxic father, he was like that when we were married, which is one of the main reasons we are divorced. And since the ex has WAY more money than I do he can take our son out for all sorts of things that I can’t afford. Please, please listen to your kids. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. Stressed to the max with spring break coming up, I had wonderful relationship with my son, the minor counsel accused me with parental alienation had the court order monitoring visits,my son runaway from his mother later he start changing now he refuse to come to visits even the monitoring accusing me that I brainwashed him against his mom which it is not true, last court hearing the female judge told mom if he does not visits if he act bad she will be in trouble,the mother she was alienation my son against me but I was successful to undo her work when he cam to me now I can’t. I worked as a guardian ad litem for 5 years. She wanted me to know of all the sneaky things she’d seen him do. He did a lot of things to me and her both. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. When she was about 13, she started approaching me about his behaviors that were very unsettling to her. After the divorce, when the kids WERE visiting their dad, my stress lifted more than I can express. Plus the kids were so adamant. What can your child suggest that would make the visit better? She enjoys music (especially live music), dancing, reading, travel, decorating, shopping, long walks, boating and trying new things. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. I made their lives miserable and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them. My son is refusing to go with his Mother because of her anger management issues, emotional abuse, and toxic environment at her house. From the age of 11 and 12 on , I can honestly count on both hands how many times my son has actually stayed at his dads … and he is about to 18 this fall ….. Absolutely DO NOT force your children to visit your ex if they don’t want to. Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. The kids are also pretty upset with the idea of me going back to court. Thank you for this question. The proper response from the parent is to lay down the law: it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, you WILL GO. As the children have gotten older and are refusing visits again, my ex has demanded that I “show them who the adult is” and do whatever it takes to make them visit him. It may be your child has specific needs, such as a particular food preferences only met in one parental home, or they may be trying to avoid something, such as homework, music practice or showering that is expected in one home. During the marriage, their father hadn’t been involved in parenting to any significant degree. From the texts I received over the weekend, her anger never faded. The 42-year-old leader has the resident doctor of the Elysee Palace presidential residence by his bedside after becoming infected and being hit by a fever. Because your daughter is now 14 years old, she may be able to explain to the court what she wants, and why she doesn't want to go to her father's house. I guess the best way to understand how the local judges rule is to talk to a local attorney. The situation is increasingly problematic as the child approaches the age of majority (18 years old). You cannot physically force a fifteen-year-old boy to visit a parent if he doesn’t want to. Not sure what will happen. It’s so horrible that children are MADE to visit people they don’t want to just because they are related! Thinking about what’s best for your children and trying to set aside feelings about your ex can be tricky. She feels truly blessed to have had the wonderful support system that she had and hopes to be a source of support to others.... Read More. Content originally produced for What Next? Recently, the kids have told me some of the things he calls them and says to them and it … this took a good year before he would even stay one night …. Maybe you can draw on a similar experience in your own life or someone you know? I can talk with an attorney however, what’s the chance that the court would entertain reducing his custodial time less than it is now? He drinks and keeps his house unclean. I am going through something similar right now with my 6 year old daughters. What makes me ill is that I continually tell my children that this is their father, they will regret not having a relationship with him. Please try and be understanding to others perspectives. Because your daughter is now 14 years old, she may be able to explain to the court what she wants, and why she doesn't want to go to her father's house. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. I constantly try everything I can to keep his father in a positive light. What do they think will be good about visiting? He would complain of headaches and stomachaches and would try to retreat in his room for long periods of time, not wanting to talk or play. However, father is very interested in visitation as it may lower his child support. Anytime I can make things smoother for my ex without stepping on his toes, I do. Kids know where they are safe. The second oldest child went about half of the time, the third and fourth children went to all of them. I’m working very hard at the moment to reestablish a relationship with my children who are estranged from me. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.'. He has always said things that he should, such as calling them fatso when they have snacks, but recently when our oldest daughter didn’t pass her permit test, he called her “a worthless dip$hit who didn’t care about anyone other than herself”. I don’t feel like I should force them though. Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship, 10 Completely Legal Ways To Get Back At Your Cheating Husband. I wonder if you can help me with a problem I am having with my four-year-old daughter. My kids are getting ready to see their father for spring break. If this is not possible, ask your ex what they think is behind their reluctance. I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. But there has never been ANYTHING they have adamantly refused to do. Of course Father believes it’s all my fault that I brainwashed them, which can’t be further from the truth.. After the Affair: How to build trust and love again, Dealing with children's feelings and behaviour, By submitting your details, you are confirming you consent to our processing of your personal data. I have been divorced for 9 years now and ever since I can remember both my kids 9(know 14 and 12) have not wanted to go with their dad for weekends. Her birth father lives in another state and talks to her monthly- he is more like an uncle to her, but they get along very well. Until then they’d never offered to be punished instead of doing what was asked of them. What hope do we have as single moms fighting to protect our children?! If you can, talk to your child and try to identify what is behind their resistance to visiting. One of our kids has very recently reported that their dad has said he knows he needs to do better (behaviorally). It seems more likely that the children are rejecting Dad in an attempt to please Mom. Though this maybe wrong, but I believe at 14yrs the courts would be considering his views on contact and custody at any rate. It causes so much heartache and stress. Also don’t have the money if he decides to take me to court!! However, the Court found that the desire of the child not to visit with the other parent remains subject to review by the Court and determination of what is in the child’s best interest must be made in any other modification or alteration of visitation rights. My daughter has been through hell and tried to cope, but at 16 refused to go to visitation. I would encourage her to keep in touch with him and maybe suggest alternatives to staying the whole weekend. My oldest (16) was forced to see her father from age 13-15. Christy Cox is a mom to four children and a few pets. Sometimes their father refers to her as his wife and she lives in his house, but sometimes they break up “for good” and she moves out until they make up. good luck to us all !!! But once your kid reaches a certain age – they figure out what type of person their father is on their own. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. In fact, one of our children has never really been able to sleep at his dad’s house. Would love to know the outcome of this! Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. Children are Soon to be 14 & 16. Incidently, his brother, now 18, went down the same road trying to avoid all of the issues associated with his mom’s house. It’s not uncommon for couples to separate because of their very different ideas of what it is to be a parent, so it’s not surprising if you have concerns. I try to always go along with his requests for changing the schedule, times, etc. If she is agreeable all you would need to do is have an attorney draw up a new agreement and file it with the court. All along I have encouraged the children to visit their dad, and many times I’ve successfully talked them into going. What Do You Do When Your Ex Requests Less Parenting Time? I have the exact ex husband as Christy (the writer) has. Every visit they break down and cry and suffer from anxiety. My son's father and I separated (moved to different locations) in Dec 2009 (still married) it is now April 2011 (still married, however living in different locations for over a year). When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. Forcing only pushes children further away. The legal system needs to listen to them! I have encouraged, cajoled, and tried to reassure them as best as I can. Any separation or divorce involving children will result in a custody order and visitation schedule. He is extremely controlling and mentally abusive (more towards my daughter 14). This is a very frustrating thing to deal with. Can anyone offer up some advice on handling this? The Duke and Duchess of Sussex landed a … Perhaps the focus needs to be on WHY they don’t want to go to their dads’, and what’s going on in that stuation. For those of us that have we can relate all to well to this story. It can also help to put yourself in the position of a child whose parents have split up. I have been ordered by the court for her to go, and gave my lawyer many items to support my daughter's reasons not wanting to. We had to leave for a reason! Children know who makes them feel loved and cherished and who doesn’t. Daughter says she never wants to talk to him again, but he was an abusive jerk in front of her all the time. Good luck!!!! When it happens often though, you may feel frustrated, hurt or shocked. Try though to remember that although your ex has left the relationship, they haven’t left their children. It’s a sad situation. We hope so. Something is happening at their fathers house. Sometimes children worry about the parent they're leaving behind. Anyways, these last couple of months my daughter has been less eager to visit him. It can be upsetting when your child does not want to visit, but don't assume that this is all your partner's fault. His behavior was always incredibly toxic during our marriage. Talk to your child and encourage your ex to do this exercise with your child too, Talk to your partner about what you both think are the blocks to your child wanting to visit them, Identify one thing that you can each do to help minimise these blocks. I would love for our children to feel good about going to his house. Both refuse to go see father out of state. My son is afraid that if he doesn't go, I'll get in trouble. Well, it has been anything but. The next day she begged me to make sure he never took her anywhere again. The divorce decree is clear. Our first-born had been avoiding him for a while, and now the 11-year-old had started to grow distraught and nervous around his dad. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. Here are credible Georgia cases supporting similar, and unique, scenarios: The kids have been telling their friends things their dad has done that they have identified as wrong, and the friends’s parents have told me. NO child should be forced to be around a parent who causes them misery. It’s sound like a lot of jealousy here because the dads are remarried. Sometimes, it’s related to a specific request—the child doesn’t want to, for example, go on vacation with dad and his new girlfriend. I had to explain to the courts that I wasn’t comfortable threatening them or physically forcing them into their father’s car who could possibly be drinking or, in a mood and ready to take it out on them the moment they were in the car. Once the divorce started and the older kids found out they were expected to stay with him for days at a time, they panicked. Divorce is a crappy thing for anyone , at anytime , all we can do is hope for the best , and keep hoping we are doing right by our kids …. I have 3 daughters (11 – 13 – 15). I don’t want them to resent me for making them go. Well, it has been anything but. We have Relates across England and Wales, offering different services and workshops to help you improve your relationships. Both mother and father are adults here so they are both equally responsible for maintaining a strong relationship with their children. However, our youngest child is 8 and she has a fairly good relationship with her dad. If they’re not in therapy get them in therapy. However, unless you have concerns about your children’s safety, both you and your ex have a right to see your children. Agreed. Your son’s age and ability to communicate why he doesn’t want to be at his Mom’s house will hold a lot of weight with a judge. As a parent, one has a duty to build a relationship with their child. Should be easy, right? I do remember how horrified she was by her father’s behavior after I asked him to take her to all-day soccer tournaments. I read a comment above that put blame on the parents for not supporting a relationship with the other parent. His road rage and leaving her alone and Pornos we’re just some of her complaints but somehow he spun it in court that me n my husband are the bad guys note:I did try to speak to him and he said if I petitioned him or told authorities about his drug use n selling (which I have proof of) he would put a hit on me. Sara, who was 12 years old, called her father to tell him that she didn't want to go to his house that weekend. He has explained to his dad that he doesn't see him when he is there to visit. I know many family law judges personally and the firs thing they’d want to know is why a man chose to go to court instead of sitting down and working the issue out with his son. Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice.My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. Think about how you can break things down into smaller steps. youre right these are major red flags. Allow your child to bring things to remind them of their other parent when they are with you. I still believe that’s beyond what the courts would want… to damage the kids further by threatening and trying to physically force them at this age. The kids cannot find any appreciation for her personality and they aren’t happy with her parenting them. If he would approach this differently he would get a different response. In my state (North Carolina) once the children are old enough to not be physically forced or bribed to see the non-custodial parent, no judge will enforce the “parenting” plan. Recently, their mother moved into a travel trailer in a casino parking lot, and our daughters (minus the 11 yr old) refuse to visit her. I had to physically drag her to the car. Fathers are not second class citizens here they are equal parents to their kids. My daughter (14 years old) has had panic attacks at her father’s. ... any parent can tell you that you trying to force a 15-year-old to who doesn’t want to visit their other parent isn’t going to go well. Other times, it’s more of a general statement. He made his own bed along with his new wife on how they treated these children that last 4 years during visits. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. He tolerates their relationship. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. This does not necessarily mean she is consciously trying to alienate them from their father, but failure to nip it in the bud will only aggravate the damage to the children. There were so many things I couldn’t add in a short article. I have a similar situation. But if they now say they don’t want to visit we meet for the exchange, and he is informed at that point that they don’t want to visit that day. This will make it easier for you to focus on those feelings and your children’s needs. They need to re-establish healthy relations with Dad NOW, and Mom needs to be the one to enforce this and show them that choosing her over him does NOT please her. It would be so much easier if the other parent could put the children’s feelings first instead of being forced. I wonder it you could negotiate a change in the visits with the father, since, from your description, he doesn't seem particularly interested in your child. 14 year olds should have a say in their custody arrangements, definitely speak to a lawyer and tell your daughter if she really doesn't want to visit her mum then she needs to make her opinion clear to a judge. So Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Visit the Other Parent… In Georgia, the law is written so that if a 14-year-old child desires to live primarily with one parent in a divorce case, that desire is honored unless a judge can find a reason why that choice is not in his/her best interests. Molly, you have obviously been fortunate enough to not have been in or be in an toxic relationship. If you stop forcing them to go for the scheduled visits, can’t you as the mother, get into trouble for that? I’m just not sure what to do. 2018-11-15 06:46:54 Question of discrimination in hiring. 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